The “Good Girl” Glitch: Why Following the Rules Led to Burnout

 

The Manual I Was Given

In my teens and 20s, I lived by a manual I thought was universal. I had the aspirations, the goals, and a bone-deep commitment to the "script." The script was simple: Get the grades. Have the "decent" hobbies. Be polite. Stay calm, even when the world around you is in turmoil.

I thought dedication was the engine, but I eventually realized the engine was running on a myth. I was optimizing for a system that doesn't actually exist in the adult world. I had high marks, but no "expandable" skills. I had a "good girl" reputation, but no internal compass.


Calmness, By: Varsha Govindarajan, 4th Dec 2016


The Error Code: Resentment

The harm of "being good" is silent. It builds up as resentment when you realize that doing everything "right", as taught by parents, teachers, and society; doesn’t actually trigger a reward.

I went out of my way to ensure everyone around me was happy. I was the architect of their comfort, yet I couldn't even articulate what made ME happy. I waited for acknowledgment that never came, because life doesn’t play by the rules of a classroom. This realization hit me like a system failure as I entered my quarter-life crisis.

Image: With Ladoo, May 2025


The Lava Pool

Without a clear sense of direction, the spark goes missing. I felt...and sometimes still feel...stuck. It’s exactly like those levels in video games where you are jumping on small stones in a pool of lava.

Every jump is exhausting. Every platform is temporary. The negativity builds into a wall that makes it hard to even reach out for friends, especially in a new country. When you’ve been programmed to believe that "doing things right" equals success, failing feels like a terminal error. You drag yourself out of bed just hoping for a minor external acknowledgment, a digital "like" or a polite smile, because you haven't yet learned the skill of internal acceptance.


The Gendered Programming

I look at the men around me and I see a different "code." When we talk about feminism, the conversation often goes south, not necessarily because they think they are "better," but because their programming was different from the start.

While many girls are tuned to live within boundaries, to be "polite" and "calm". others are taught that the sky is the limit. They are encouraged to break the ceiling, while we are busy trying not to trip over the furniture. This early programming creates a clarity of intent that "good girls" are often denied. They aren't smarter; they just have a different operating system, one that doesn't include the "permission" glitch.


Image: Friends Museum, NYC, March 2025


Rebuilding the System

I’ve realized that the "corporate capes" and formal titles aren't the mentors I need. I need the "unfiltered" mentors. I need the friends who have the courage to tell me when I’m being stupid, when I’m on the wrong path, or when I need to stop jumping between stones and just find a new map entirely.

To the adults out there: Stop telling kids just to "be good." Tell them to be loud. Tell them to be curious. Tell them that the boundaries are negotiable. Otherwise, they’ll spend their 30s trying to debug a life they didn't choose to code.


Image: Icefield Parkway, September, 2025

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